Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker (2002)

Aaaaaaaaand we’re back to your regular programming. For those out of the loop on my self-imposed suffering: Hellraiser (1987), Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988), Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992), Hellraiser IV: Bloodline (1996), Hellraiser V: Inferno (2000).

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Hellraiser IV: Hellseeker is the sixth and worst installment (so far) in the Hellraiser franchise. It follows Trevor, a total douche who is married to Kirsty Cotton from the first two Hellraiser films. While driving, they almost get in to an accident and swerve off the road into a river. Trevor is able to escape the car, but Kirsty ends up drowning to her death in the sinking car. He eventually wakes up in the hospital, and then a bunch of stupid bullshit hallucinations start happening, and Trevor is unable to discern what is real and what isn’t.

As he tumbles further down in his own mind, he begins to see visions including the Lament Configuration, the puzzle box that calls Pinhead and the Cenobites into our world and some strange, disfigured people that are lurking around in the corners of his eyes. It slowly becomes apparent that Trevor is a suspect in the investigation surrounding his deceased wife.

I watched this like, two days ago and for the life of me, I can’t remember any details about it. That’s how little it held my attention or made an impact on me. This feels the most like a direct-to-video sequel in the Hellraiser franchise so far. Everything about this movie is mediocre and uninspired, and doesn’t deserve to be given the time of day. But since I’m just the worst, I’m going to share some of my thoughts on this dumpster fire.

You know the trope when something crazy happens to a character, but then it turns out it was all a dream? Things start going super great or super shitty and right at the climax, the character wakes up from dozing off and they’re snapped back in to reality? That’s how every scene in Hellseeker ends. Every. Scene. EVERY. FUCKING. SCENE. Whether it makes sense or not. This movie is infuriating with how little it cares about itself or its audience. While watching this, my friends and I started to try and predict when exactly Trevor would wake up during a scene and where he would wake up. Despite the never ending stream of plot twists, we had to make up our own dumb game to entertain ourselves for an hour and a half.

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I figured the sixth Hellraiser movie wasn’t going to be stellar (shocker, I know), but there were a couple things I was at least banking on to help redeem it. So far, Doug Bradley has been the linchpin in these films, keeping things chugging along with chillingly delivered lines about pain, pleasure, suffering, and Hell. Unfortunately for us, the writers and directors of Hellseeker thought it a great idea to gut Pinhead almost completely from this film. Even the other Hellraiser films that were hastily cobbled together by other unrelated scripts had the good sense to let Pinhead be Pinhead. No matter how far away the themes or plots got from the original Hellraiser, Pinhead always dropped some of the smartest, most quotable lines out of all the big horror villains. Not in Hellseeker, though. With sick bombs like “Welcome to the worst nightmare of all… reality!“, Pinhead barely fumbles through this film in a way that Doug Bradley can’t even bring back to an acceptable level.

This movie is a fucking dumpster fire. Don’t watch it. I’ve only got three more movies to go. Hellraiser: Deader, which I know absolutely nothing about except that it has the stupidest fucking name ever, Hellraiser: Hellworld, where Pinhead in inside the internet, and Hellraiser: Revelations, which is widely considered the worst Hellraiser movie, and which doesn’t even have a Rotten Tomatoes score (Hellseeker has a 0%, but at least it has a score) and was made on one tenth the budget of this piece of shit.

Just fucking end me.

-David

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