Bad

The Bye Bye Man (2017)

Editor’s Note: I started writing this out of pure unadulterated passion when I got home after watching this. After sleeping it off, I continued writing it in a much more calm, cool, and collected fashion. I decided to keep the bits I wrote the night of.

I’m writing this while sipping on a pilsner and riding out a sugar high from too many Mars bar bites. My friends and I made an evening out of this. We assembled with snacks and whiskey and craft beer and watched one of the worst received movies this year. We do this often, bad movie nights, but this feels special. It’s a bittersweet feeling, making a ritual out of consuming somebody else’s art to purposefully make fun of it.

Wait, did I just call The Bye Bye Man art? Fuck me. I’d like to formally apologize to the entirety of human arts and culture.

mv5bmtcxote5nzqwnf5bml5banbnxkftztgwotmzmtc1ode-_v1_sy1000_cr006741000_al_This movie is a piece of trash. On fire. In a dumpster. That’s also on fire. A fucking dumpster trash fire fire. The Bye Bye Man, while being the worst named horror movie ever (maybe even worse than Hellraiser: Deader), feels like it shouldn’t be joked about. It’s too easy. The jokes practically write themselves as the story flashes on screen in front of consistently disbelieving eyes and open jaws.

Elliot, Sasha, and John are moving into a new house, and find a dresser drawer with the words “don’t think it, don’t say it” scribbled on it and then “The Bye Bye Man” scratched into it. Fun fact: this drawer belonged to some dude in the ’60s who committed a mass shooting and suicide because he was spooked by some paranormal entity named the Bye Bye Man. Now, the Bye Bye Man is terrorizing these three teenagers because they read his name. Who’s the Bye Bye Man, you might be asking? Well, that’s a good question, and don’t hold your breath, because you won’t find out. (more…)

Hellraiser IV: Bloodline (1996)

Fuck. I just finished Hellraiser IV, and I already spent the joke about pain surpassing pleasure writing about Hellraiser III. If you want to read my thoughts about the first three (read: the best three) Hellraiser films you can find them here for Hellraiser, Hellbound: Hellraiser II, and the link for Hellraiser III is above.

mv5bmzm1njvhnguty2fhny00mtq4ltkyndatzwe2ywzhywq2yzdmxkeyxkfqcgdeqxvymtqxnzmzndi-_v1_Hellraiser IV: Bloodline is directed by Alan Smithee. That’s all I need to tell you. Turn off your computer, go outside and do something productive. For those of you who don’t know, Alan Smithee is the pseudonym a director uses when they don’t want to be associated with a film, typically because of studio interference. It traditionally means the film is hot garbage.

Hellraiser IV is Hellraiser in space. Hellraiser. In. Space. Sounds awesome right? Like, Event Horizon but not as good, which is still pretty good. But, unfortunately for us, Bloodlines is an origin story for the Lament Configuration, the puzzle box that opens a gate to Hell and summons Pinhead and his Cenobites when solved. This film follows three different generations of a family known as the Merchants: an 18th century French toy maker, a 20th century architect, and a 22nd century space…man? It’s not really clear what he does for a living. Anyways, Hellraiser IV follows the Merchants across space and time, showing how the Lament Configuration has been intertwined in their lives since its inception. (more…)

Fender Bender (2016)

2016 is was an interesting point in the timeline of slasher movies. We’ve seen the rise (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Black Christmas, Friday the 13th) and fall (Jason Takes Manhattan, Silent Night Deadly Night 2) of the subgenre in the late ’70s and ’80s, its revival and the introduction of the meta-slasher in the ’90s (Scream), then the shortlived wave of slasher reboots in the mid 2000s, and finally the meta-meta-slashers (Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, The Final Girls) of the later 2000s and the 2010s. Turns out after 40 some odd years of masked dudes killing people with every sharp, blunt, and pointy object known to man, the one blood-filled well has run dry. Or has it?

mv5bnzmxodi1mjctotayoc00ngfilwjmotktytzmogi5ymi3ztkzxkeyxkfqcgdeqxvymzmyodaznw-_v1_sy1000_cr008701000_al_It has. Fender Bender is a slasher film written and directed by Mark Pavia (slightly known for his rendition of Stephen King’s The Night Flier), starring Makenzie Vega (The Good Wife, Saw, and Sin City) and Bill Sage (a throwaway character in American Psycho). You know you’re in for a treat watching a movie with such a distinguished horror pedigree.

Fender Bender follows Hilary, a young woman who gets into a small car accident in her mom’s new car. After exchanging insurance information with the man who hit her, she suspects him of following and stalking her and her friends over the weekend when her parents are away.  Stalking turns into murderin’, and Hilary’s got to fight for her life if she wants to survive.

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Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Settle down folks, settle down. I know you’ve all been waiting for this one. I know out of all the things I write about here, the thing I know as an objective fact, is that everyone wants me to continue watching and reviewing the Hallowe– oh, you don’t care about a late entry in a dying (some would consider it dead by the time this film came out) slasher franchise? Well, uhh, too bad. I watched it, so now I’m going to write about it.

mv5bmzq3mjgzmwmtmjjhmy00mmvjltllmzmtmwvjmmmxntiznwq0xkeyxkfqcgdeqxvymtqxnzmzndi-_v1_sy1000_cr006751000_al_Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers is the fifth sequel in the Halloween series that nobody asked for. I’m surprised that it took six whole movies for the producers to stop tying a number to the title, usually that ends at the third or fourth movie when they’re embarassed by how many sequels they’re shitting out for a quick buck. To be honest, I’m a little tired of the subtitle of these movies being The [Insert Thing Here] of Michael Myers.

I’ve honestly been trying to write this review for months (my last Halloween review was in June) and that paragraph is the only thing I’ve managed to conjure up about the movie without rolling my eyes so hard I get brain damage. Since this will stay in my Post Draft folder forever unless I delete it or post it, I present to you a review of comparable laziness and shittiness to its subject. Here are the unedited notes I took while watching Halloween: The Curse of Neverending, Sub-par Slasher Sequels.

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